Lifestyle, London

My breakup letter

June 3, 2015

I quit.

Not from work or anything like that but from online dating, speed dating, dating apps, anything that is related to dating. I have said before that I had given up on trying to find the right person, but was still open to getting to know people. Now I’ve given up in searching for them altogether.

It’s not you, it’s me. It’s been fun. Got to meet a couple of interesting dudes, some of them have become friends. Others not so much, it didn’t work out and feelings have been hurt. I’ve had enough of wasting time on first dates (not as much as this Australian lady though), only to find out that they’re not interested or I’m not interested, or they’re crazy, bullshitters or emotionally unavailable.


All I’m asking is for an honest person to spend time with and occasionally cuddle after a hard day at work. Apparently this is not a reasonable request, even in a city like London with millions of people, looking for the right person is like looking for a needle in a haystack. There’s so many things wrong with people that it’s painful to think about it. We’re all broken in one way or another. Too many people are afraid of committing, as if they’re holding out for someone better that might come along (and constantly keeping an eye on dating websites and apps at the same time). There is such a thing as too much choice and it’s ruining our lives. I’m not asking for Prince Charming, there is no such thing as perfect and I know I am far from it, but seriously… Will my future cats end up eating my remains after I die alone in my flat? (I jest).

The whole thing hasn’t entirely been a bad thing. I have learned a few things about myself in this process because despite being a negative creep, I try to always learn something from the bad things life throws at me. I have learned that although I might feel emotionally crumpled from time to time, I am resilient and I always get back up. I’ve been through worse things in my life than rejections, maybe one day I’ll talk about those too.

“The thing about getting older is you don’t need everything to be possible anymore, you just need some things to be certain.”

-Monica Ali, Brick Lane

I have learned and figured out what I want for myself from a relationship. I have realised that I am not interested in “casual” encounters. I have never been one for one night stands and I’m not about to start now, it’s too time consuming.  These casual “relationships” never last for long and there’s always someone who ends up getting the short end of the stick. There is seldom enough communication to make it work, too much time is spent trying to read into people’s actions and reactions – asking questions is a no-no, as that would be too much of a relationship-y thing to do. There just aren’t enough implicit rules either, to help you navigate these murky waters. That is, until the day that one of the parties gets fed up with the situation or finds someone better to go and share their bed with. Whichever comes first. There may be exceptions but from my own experience and what I hear from friends, this seems to happen all too often. I think that the only way of making something like this work is for two people to get together just because they don’t have anything better to do. They can’t have anything in common – tastes, ideals, sense of humour, etc. Because if you do, you might end up spending time together doing all these things you both enjoy and there’s too much potential to get attached. It creeps up on you and catches you when you least expect it… and will end in casualties! (See what I did there?)

I keep thinking that everyone is under a lot of pressure these days to “be cool”, “take it easy” and not be so old fashioned. You have to be adventurous and that means sleeping with loads of people. Sex is supposed to be simple and easy and no strings attached and god forbid if you’re not evolved enough to do it that way. I’m no prude, don’t get me wrong but I don’t think there is a written rule that says that you have to be promiscuous in order to “have fun” or enjoy your sexuality. I don’t care what it is supposed to be cool, sexual passion is lovely but it fizzles out all too quickly. In this period of my life, what would I do with a string of passionate sexual encounters? Nothing I couldn’t do by myself anyway (with the help of a Ryan Gosling body pillow to cuddle with afterwards and no STD risk). It’s all about connecting with another human being, it’s all about creating intimacy. For these reasons, I would like a monogamous relationship involving mutual respect and affection but if that’s too much to ask for, then maybe it’s better this way. After all, being in no relationship is always better than being in a shitty relationship.

As the Smiths song goes, “these things take time” and I would also add, a lot of energy that I’d be better using in other pursuits. I realised that I need to give myself more credit and I deserve someone who can do the same. Why bother if that’s not the case? People should be together to build each other up, not tear each other down. For that reason, I should spend more time on myself and by myself or hang out with friends, who are the ones who are always there to help pick up the pieces in the end anyway. Better to focus on taking control back on other parts of my life. Travel more and go out for dinner with friends instead of throwing money out drinking with people I’ll never see again (and ruining my liver in the process). Learn how to properly use the settings on my camera. Learn how to sew and work my sewing machine. Get my blogging mojo back. There are so many things I can devote my time to! But at the end of the day, that Into The Wild quote “happiness is only real when shared” still resonates with me. It just seems like until now the right person to share it with hasn’t come along. Who knows, maybe one day?

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  • Reply Miranda June 3, 2015 at 09:27

    You were always such a cool girl, and I always saw you as someone who had men throwing themselves at your feet – back when you lived in Portugal and whe kind of frequented the same places – because you were rad and stylish and a no bullshit kind of girl. Just one thought: if this is how I saw you, maybe you need to start seeing yourself like this, huh? 😉

    • Reply Mrs. D June 9, 2015 at 20:17

      Thanks Miranda! Throwing themselves at one’s feet is not the same as being decent human beings… unfortunately both don’t go together most of the time!
      Oh well, we shall see what the future brings. At the moment I am too busy with other things and that is great!

  • Reply Honey (The Girl Next Shore) June 3, 2015 at 10:00

    Brava, you. You’re bigger than your mind gives you credit for, Sara. One day it may happen, but remember that your relationship with yourself has to come first too. x

    • Reply Mrs. D June 9, 2015 at 20:15

      Thank you Honey, wise words, as always!

  • Reply Kirsty June 3, 2015 at 11:28

    I applaud you for giving online dating websites and app a good go. I give up after a week, delete my profile, eat a bucket of ice cream, wonder why all men are odd and then a week later, realise I’m still alone, download the app and start the whole grueling process all over again. Supposedly, the moment you stop looking you’ll find someone, but god knows if that’s true?! I refuse to judge a whole group of people but it’s definitely hard to find a ‘normal’ (I’m open to some nuttiness), down to earth, respectable (you know, actually has a job, doesn’t just stay at home all day and do drugs or hasn’t got 7 other ladies on the go) man.

    My advice: Invest in lots of cats. That’s my plan anyway.

    Great post love.


    • Reply Mrs. D June 9, 2015 at 20:15

      Dating websites work for some people but for some reason I don’t think it works for me. Cats seems like a great idea, I’ll have to think about that when I’m not living in shared accommodation anymore. thanks for sharing!

  • Reply PinkCheetahVintage June 7, 2015 at 17:48

    I’m so old that online dating seems terrible to me—-I think I’ll just stay single (even tho it’s a bit lonely!!!) for a while. I’ve decide I want to try to go to Spain. I think your traveling plans sound like the best idea.

    • Reply Mrs. D June 9, 2015 at 20:13

      spain sounds like a great plan! I definitely recommend travelling, it’s good for the soul 🙂

  • Reply sara miriam June 9, 2015 at 20:02

    i agree with miranda! i actually only saw you twice, but from what i saw in real life and then on lj,fb, all those kinds of social networks, thats what i always thought about you!
    if i was a boy, i would be so smitten!

    but anyway, i agreed with this text and i dont wanna sound too cliche, but it will probably happen when you’re not counting on it. i had the worst year of life, last year, the end of a long time relationship, i was so messed that then got involved in some casual thing (it made everything worse tbh) and i did go on some dates. i tried really hard. i thought it was really me to blame, so i should give more chances to guys that i actually did not felt that much a conections. but of course it didnt work, cause you cant really force that. so i had given up, and i really didnt even thought about prince charming. i only thought of me, some me time, relaxing, having fun with friends, and just as i’ve got my mind clear of boys or ever dating again, i’ve met someone that really changed me! we’ve only been together for 3 months now, but its different. i can see the rest of my life with him. and if it doesnt work, i dont even wanna try again. thats it. lol
    sorry for such a long comment though!

    p.s. i remember you were married though.. i've missed a few posts, sorry if its too personal.

    • Reply Mrs. D June 9, 2015 at 20:14

      thank you. It’s nice to hear other people’s stories too. At least I know that I’m not the only one feeling like this, plus all the confusion. Feelings are hard to deal with sometimes!

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